Written by John Cleese
Some of you will have read an earlier slightly derisive transatlantic view of we Europeans on this site,under the pseudonym of General de Gaulle(see item in the Articles File dated 5 Sep 2007). Here is a riposte.
The British are coming to help with Election 2008 USA
Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America
In the light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths and territories(except Kansas,which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister,Gordon Brown,will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:-
1) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2) Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
3) The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as 'colour','favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. A 'curb' will rightly be spelled 'kerb' - and no more "Exit" signs;they will be say "Way Out". Generally,you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
4) Consistently using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "U" and the elimination of "ize".
5) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers and therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
7) Therefore,you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8) All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will immediately begin driving on the left side of the street. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9) The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol(which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11) The cold,tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth,only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and the European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound-for-pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth,and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12) Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English language dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football - you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough will,in time, be allowed to play rugby(which has some similarities to American football,but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby now - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,like they regularly thrash us.
14) Further,you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. You will learn cricket,and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15) You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16) An internal revenue agent(i.e.tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys due(backdated to 1776).
17) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers(never with mugs),with high-quality biscuits(cookies) and cakes,and with strawberries and cream when in season.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
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