id737-June laughs

Written by Sylvester's Mum   

LOL

1)The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant………………….

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side"

2)The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Is it Wedding Cake?"

3) A Reader's Letter in the June 19th edition of Athletics Weekly evoked mixed feelings of mirth,sadness,farce and anger! An experienced Field Referee(25 years & over 1000 meetings) had recently read UKA's "The Safe Conduct of Track & Field Events" and attended a compulsory health and safety course. Just for the flavour,here is a small selection of the possible outcomes:-

Hammer & Discus - As two gates are fitted for safety reasons,both must be closed.Athletes will not be allowed to use any form of turning technique as they may become giddy and fall.

Javelin - Athletes will not be permitted to run carrying such a dangerous implement.They must walk to the scratch line with the point downwards. Any throw where the javelin does not stick into the ground will be disregarded as unsafe.

High Jump - Bars will not be used as athletes keep knocking them off and may injure themselves or others. Athletes will jump and judges will decide whether or not they would have cleared the predeclared height.

And for the Track:-

Steeplechase - For these events,athletes will be required to produce a certificate of competence to swim at least three metres.A lifeguard must be on duty at all times.

And,as the comedian Jiminy Cricket used to say - "……and there's more…….!!!!! Thankfully,you'll not read them here!

(With acknowledgements to AW and the letter writer)

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