Written by Aaaagh!
1) Q : What did the zero say to the eight?
A : Nice belt.
2) A piece of string walked into a bar.
The barman asks : "Are you a piece of string?"
"No",it replies,"I'm a frayed knot".
3) Seeing as it's Wimbledon!
Q : How many tennis players does it take to change a light bulb?
A : What do you mean it was out,it was in!!!!
4) A priest,a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.
The barman says - "Is this some kind of joke?
And the dreadful one from down the years for all the kids amongst you,young and old:
5) A man in religious robes walks into a Chippie.
"Ah!",said the man behind the counter, "Are you a Chip Monk?"
"No,I am a Fish Friar".
6) A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
"I have got this problem",the man said,"I keep halucinating that I am a dog and I don't know what to do."
"A common canine complex",said the doctor soothingly,"Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no! Doctor",the man said nervously,"I am not allowed on the furniture".
7) The new CEO of the multi-national company had a short meeting with the previous CEO,at the end of which the retiring CEO handed him 3 envelopes,numbered 1,2,& 3 - "If you have any problems,just open these in order".
After 6 months of good growth,sales took a downturn,so the CEO opened the first envelope - "Blame your predecessor",the note inside said.
So the CEO held a Press Conference,blamed the previous CEO,the financial regulators and media took it on board,and there was an immediate increase in sales and profitability.
Twelve months later,after several excellent quarterly results,performance and sales dropped off again,so the CEO opened the 2nd envelope - "Re-organise",the note inside said.
So the CEO sacked a few people,brought a few in and generally moved existing execs around. It worked for a few months,but sales slackened off again,so he opened the 3rd envelope. The note inside said - "Prepare 3 envelopes".
8) So the Irish(or it might have been the Belgians!)were about to launch their first spacecraft;the Space Commander and a monkey were all set,seated in the cockpit,and Ground Control handed the Commander his instructions envelope and advised him to open it when they were safely in orbit.
As they progressed,the monkey was busy keeping an eye on the instrument panel and the altitude,pressing all the relevant buttons,taking photographs of passing asteroids/planets,double-checking re-entry shields,keeping the airwaves open and in full contact with earth etc etc and then eventually sat down on the floor of the craft.
The Space Commander then opened his instructions envelope,which said - "Feed the monkey".
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