Written by Bugs Bunny
1)The Dead Rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? "I feel terrible,"he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.She walks over to the dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again,until he hops off out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says:
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair - Adds Permanent Waves"
The FBI, DEA and CIA all argue that they are the best law enforcement agency in the world, so to find out once and for all which of them really is they devise a competition.
They release a rabbit into a forest, and whichever agency finds it first will be declared the best.
The FBI goes first. After two weeks of interviewing plants and animals, the FBI concludes that no rabbit has ever existed.
The DEA goes next. After burning down half the forest and defoliating the rest, they also find no rabbit.
The CIA goes last, and after a few moments, agents drag out a badly beaten bear, screaming "Ok, Ok! Yes, I'm a rabbit!"
3) There are no rabbits in this one.
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph,enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
*'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
*'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought,' What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him.
*Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
*The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' *
*'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman
What did the Spaniard name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B
5)If you have a penchant for satirical spoofs,try www.newsbiscuit.com
6)A favourite one-liner from famed American humorist and writer,Dorothy Parker(1893-1967) -
"The two most beautiful words in the English language are "cheque enclosed".
7)Bush in Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, 'You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?
'Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, 'Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?'
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity .Saint Peter is suitably impressed. 'You really ARE Einstein!' he says. 'Welcome to heaven!
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, 'Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?'Saint Peter says, 'Go ahead.' Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. 'Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!' he says. 'Come on in!
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, 'Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?
'George W. looks bewildered and says, 'Who are Einstein and Picasso?' Saint Peter sighs and says, 'Come on in, George.
' 8)Some excruciating rabbit
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie? "The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie; he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit,and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker,but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie; he then waves to the crowd and leaves……NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you?" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".The barman says, "I remember you; you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie; masses came to see you and this place was famous". The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead". The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back; what happened?""I DIED", said the Rabbit. "NO!" said the barman, "What from?".
After a short pause. The rabbit said… "Mixin'-me-toasties".
That's all folks!!!!
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