id803-September laughs

Written by Brer Rabbit   

Ah! Doing much better now,but that's yer lot,folks.

1)…..so there's this sugar sachet in this restaurant,which is typically branded on one side. If you turn it over,it reads…"Serving suggestion… pour in coffee and shut up"

2)A woman was driving down the M6 motorway when her car-phone rang. It was her husband urgently warning her.

"Darling,I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M6. Please be careful".

"It's not just one car!" said the woman, "There's hundreds of them!".

3)Last summer I went to the seaside for a holiday. The landlady said to me "We charge £20 a night,bed and breakfast -- or £12 if you make your own bed". Oh,all right", I said."I'll make the bed." The landlady gave me a saw,a hammer and some nails.

4)I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?". The man at the other end said " It depends where you're calling from."

5)Railway Porter(smiling) - "Miss the train,sir?"

Passenger - "No,I didn't like the look of it,so I chased it out of the station".

6)A lady who was sending a Bible to a devout friend handed the parcel to the post office clerk so he could check the size and work out the postage.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments" replied the lady.

7)FOR SALE

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,45 volumes.Excellent condition. £500 or nearest offer. No longer needed,got married last month. Wife knows everything.

**And here's a selection from the HELPLINEs - Do you recognise any of the callers!!!!!!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1200 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

** Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

** RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

**Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

** Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

** Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '

** On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

** Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

** Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

** This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

**This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

' Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

========================================================================= …and then,of course,there's the chairman of the athletic club who visited the team manager who was sick in hospital. "George", he said, "the committee decided to send you a 'get well' card,and you will be pleased to hear that it was a majority decision".

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